Life of a bald weirdo
by Miss Funnel Cake
Summary: Voldemort is back! And even more hilarious then before. From mental hospitals, scary old ladies, and strippers named Jim to Voldemort's romance novel, and how jello and toaster can kill you. Sequel to Confessions of a bald weirdo.
1. I'm back!

**__I'm back! **

**I've been a bit busy because I moved and I wasn't planning on writing a sequel at all but I am and I hope you like it.**

**If you haven't read Confessions of a bald weirdo I suggest you do so. **

* * *

Dear Diary,

I'm back!

Miss me? I know you did.

Again, I'm writing for 'stress relief' as my secretary Jane and Dr. Trimble (my therapist) call it.

I'm still on tour with V.O.G (Voldemort and Other Guys) and we are touring as muggles because for some strange reason wizards fear me.

Crazy, right?

V.O.G is a band that consists of Wormtail, Lucius, Rodolphus, and I.

Wormtail is now, instead of 'the adorable one', 'the caring and sensitive one'. Rodolphus is still the strong, silent, type, and Lucius is still hot and dangerous with great hair.

I, of course, being the leader am all those things and much more but I don't want to brag.

Did I mention my charming personality and rugged good looks?

Oh and One Direction (THEY ARE SO HOT.) still hasn't replied our request of opening for them, but they've strangely fled the country and gone into hiding.

I wonder what that was about?

See? I'm already busy enough, stalking Potter, writing amazing hit songs, now Jane wants to bring back my _diary? _

That's insane! I have to change my schedule completely! Now I have to move killing Potter to Friday, and everyone knows how long I've been procrastinating _that. _

Plus, I have to cut back on staring at Potter's Wizbook page until he updates his status, which is usually within every two days at around 8:47 p.m.

I just like to study my murder victims, is that a crime?

And this is for _stress? _STRESS?

Oh Jane, naïve, naïve, little Jane. I dealt with that stress thing _ages_ ago, why do you think I stopped working out?

Well, actually, when you think about it, I was never working out in the first place, but-oh never mind that!

So what if I smashed a few guitars? Or accidently killed some muggles while singing out chart topping song 'Avada Kedravra'?

Wormtail destroyed more equipment then I ever did and he doesn't have to do any stress relief at all.

Jane says that's because Wormtail kept on tripping over the wires and _he _didn't set a guitar on fire while screaming 'CAN'T TOUCH THIS, BITCHES!', unlike _somebody _did.

Since when did she get so sarcastic?

Oh look, Potter just updated his status.

-Voldemort


	2. Mental hospitals and strippers named Jim

**I was re-reading Deathly Hallows, and I was a bit sad when Voldemort died but honestly I wanted Umbridge to die more than him. **

**tambrathegreat: You go do that, I'm sure your co-workers will love you for it.**

**Bookwormbunny12: He's One Directions biggest fan, and he's straight... I think.**

**Aguamenta: Your reviewing again! :) I'm excited too **

**Starstruck99: I'm glad you liked it! **

**MapleTreeway: I think I'm going to update every 2-3 days...**

Dear diary,

I am currently writing to you from West London Mental Health.

I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I can assure you that it was not my fault.

See, after a few accidents (I swear they were accidents), Jane took my wand away to and I quote stop my 'idiotic shenanigans that always end up getting us sued'.

She just doesn't appreciate my utter awesomeness.

Anyways, I was walking through muggle London, wandless, when I saw this bloke that looked exactly like Potter.

You know, unruly ink black hair, wiry glasses, green eyes, and a scar I wish I had.

Naturally, I attacked him.

Turns out, it wasn't Potter at all.

After that, I was checked in the mental hospital _against my free will. _

When I got checked in, the lady at the front desk asked me for my name.

Naturally, I answered with Mchotness Horan Tomlinson Malik Payne Styles. (The last names of all my future husbands.)

The secretary just rolled her eyes, looked up at the ceiling, and said 'Yep, this one's definitely crazy.', as if the ceiling was going to answer her.

Silly secretary, ceilings don't _talk. _

The hospital is pretty cool actually, I got to design my own straight jacket (it's fuchsia with all the faces of One Direction on it, and on the back, in bright yellow letters, is 'DIE, POTTER, DIE', plus the jacket glows in the dark.').

And, I met this cool guy named Jim, who has a fetish for stripping and says he can see the future, the past, and the present, he also has a voice inside his head called Anthony.

I wonder why he's here.

Jim taught me that stripping is a _good _thing and that it defies the man.

And nothing is more important than defying the man.

So Jim and I spent the entire afternoon running around the mental hospital, stark naked, screaming 'WE RULE THE WORLD, BITCHES!' and 'THE MAN CAN'T CONTROL US!'

I've never felt so _free._

Now I'm just waiting for Jane to come and find me, oh Jane, she must be so worried, franticly searching all of Britain for me.

-Voldemort


	3. McHotness Summer camp counsler

**Sorry for the late update! So here's an extra long chapter! I'm attempting to write a mortal instruments fanfic, anyone read the mortal instruments? **

**MapleTreeway: This is better then Carl Lewis? I've never felt so honored. **

**Potterlunar: Yep, I like One Direction. Every time I get a review I blast One Direction and dance around the house until my dad tells me turn down the music and start acting like a normal person, but I think we both know that's never going to happen. **

**tambrathegreat: DIE, POTTER, DIE! That could be our new motto...**

**TheTokenFemale: I like this one better too. **

**Aguamenta: Do you think I can make a career out of it? MissFunnelCake-Straight Jacket Designer.**

* * *

Dear Diary,

I'm out! I'm out of the mental hospital!

I'm out early because I've shown great improvement over the past few days and Mr. Pretend Potter agreed not to press charges.

I'll miss Jim, but he promised me that as soon as he got out, he would bring me to this great strip club he knows.

I'm so excited.

After I left, obviously I needed a place to live until Jane comes and finds me (I wonder what's taking her so long….)

It needed to be muggle, of course, so I wouldn't be recognized, after all, I am _extremely _famous.

I found a dingy, shoebox of a flat in a rather suspicious neighborhood. The landlord's some mean old hag named Ethel, who says rent's due in a month.

When I told her she was a 'mean old hag' and a 'crazy bint' apparently she was offended by that and told me rent's due in a week.

Geez, what's her problem?

I needed money so I tried robbing some muggles but this lady just hit me repeatedly with her purse, pepper sprayed me, and screamed 'GET AWAY FROM ME YOU BALD FREAK! I HAVE A TASER!'

Shortly after that I was defeated by a tiny pen that was a 'taser'.

We will meet again.

I was complete lost, it's summer, and I had no job experience unless you count being a super-hot member of a boy band and being the darkest wizard of all time.

That's how I ended up being a camp counselor for the 'Summer Sizzlers' summer camp.

My introduction:

Senior counselor: Let's give a warm welcome to your new leader, McHotness!

Me: Uh, hello.

Senior counselor: So McHotness, do you know any super awesome camp songs?

Me: Sure, yeah. Er, repeat after me. DIE, POTTER, DIE!

The kids now know all of V.O.G's songs (forwards and backwards) , trivia, and how to be a _proper _fangirl.

People these days just don't do it _right. _

Today we went to a huge water park, and this kid squirted water _in my face _so naturally I chased him around with a water gun, completely drowned him, and screamed 'HOW DO YOU LIKE IT NOW, HUH?! DO YOU LIKE THE WATER?! DO YOU LIKE IT?! YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, YOU BETTER RUN, BASTARD!'

I didn't bother to wait in lines so I cut all of them, but there was this kid that was so annoying and was all 'I'm not going on. Wait, I want to! No I don't. Yes I do! But it so _high!' _

I may or may not have shoved the kid, and he may or may not have fell of the edge of the slide and sprawled to his doom.

It was about a 30 ft. drop.

I'm sure he's _fine. _

Anyways, I got fired because I wasn't responsible, trust worthy, patient, blah blah blah.

Who wouldn't trust ME with their child?

At least I got enough to pay rent.


	4. All this fabulousness

**Gah, another late update! **

**I promise the next update will be quicker and longer. **

**Aguamenta: Voldemort would rule the streets. **

**Tambrathegreat: The dog would appreciate it. **

**Pjoperson: You reviwed both this and the prequel which makes you like, super awesome. By the way, love PJO. **

**Bookwormbunny12: He's way better than Harry! Imagine Harry X100. **

**MapleTreeway: Sigh, story of my life...**

* * *

Dear Diary,

A tattoo artist! That's my new job!

Since the whole summer camp thing didn't work out, I don't know why though, I thought I was rather brilliant. The kids loved me!

My boss's name is Mad Dog, he's a hardcore badass.

You can tell from his many piercing's, his beard, his motorbike, and how he's never had a girlfriend.

Which I find strange because he is a very attractive man, he looks like a cross between Ozzy Osborne, Jessie J, and Santa. Plus, he has a stunning tattoo of Simon Cowell on his back.

Simon Cowell is a total badass too.

I'm going for a similar look as Mad Dog, I even got a new wig!

My specialty is dark mark tattoos, I've given some to unsuspecting muggles.

You can now get them in pink, purple, and orange.

I've even done some decorating around the shop, posters of V.O.G, and Potter hate posters.

Actually, I've started a Potter hate group! We meet every Tuesday at 8:00 p.m at my flat. It's Katie's turn to bring snacks.

Our name is 'Voldemort Is Much Better And Awesomer Than Potter And Potter Can Go Die In A Pit' a.k.a V.I.M.B.A.A.T.P.A.P.C.G.D.I.A.P

I tried to convince Ethel, my land lady, to get a tattoo but I have a feeling she doesn't like me much.

I've been nothing but good to her and she hates me!

Nah, she couldn't hate me. Who could hate all this fabulousness?

-Voldemort


	5. SWIM, NEMO, SWIM!

**This chapter contains spoilers for the movie Dear John and Mammia Mia. If anyone would like Voldemort to do a certain movie review, please suggest!**

**Pjoperson: I'm a Gryffindor on Pottermore! WE ARE WINING THE HOUSE CUP. Add me! I'm PhoenixPurple24395. Oh Voldemort's also married to Josh Hutcherson, Emma Roberts, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lawrence and Robert Downey Jr.**

**MapleTreeway: Yes, wizards aren't very creative in their ways of killing.**

**Aguamenta: His wand was confiscated by Jane because he's 'irresponsible'. He has many wigs actually, a Taylor Swift, a Nicki Minaj, and a Dorothy.**

**Littlegoldengirl: I am so writing that! Definitely the Oreos thing. Thanks**!

* * *

Dear Diary,

I found the perfect job!

I got fired at the tattoo place because Mad Dog said couldn't take any more of 'that crazy old bat scaring my customers away with that bloody murder weapon'

I think he meant Ethel. She has been nagging me more than usual, sometimes she would barge in the shop swinging her hand bag and screaming 'GET OUT HERE, BOY! YOU NEED TO PAY YOUR RENT OR I'M KICKING YOU OUT! DON'T PRETEND YOUR NOT HOME I KNOW YOUR HERE!'

I never pretend I'm not home! I was just looking for my...hairbrush…... in my closet...behind my robes.

Anyway, about the perfect job, I'm haven't exactly got it yet but I think I'm going to be a movie/food critic.

I get to eat food and watch movies then bitch about through writing!

How awesome is that?

I bitch every day! This will be easy!

I've been practicing:

Dear John: 2/5

This was a horrible movie. They don't even end up together in the end! They don't die either! You either end up together or one (if not both of you) die. This is just how these things work.

Mammia Mia: 3/5

Another bad ending. We don't even find out who her dad is in the end! I mean, I don't CARE if Sophie doesn't want to know, I do!

Finding Nemo: 1000000/5

Brilliant, brilliant work. The voice acting is so dynamic, the storyline and plot is so exhilarating, action packed, and gets your adrenaline going. Is Nemo going to make it? Is his dad going to find him? SWIM, NEMO, SWIM!

Oh and Jim got out of the mental hospital and brought me to the strip club!

Hey if this whole critic thing dosen't work out do you think i could be a pole dancer...?


	6. Who needs ears anyway?

**Potterluna: Why are you on a bus?**

**Tambrathegreat: He did have a knack for it, didn't he? **

**Ellieissuperawesome: I fi saw Voldemort pole dance i would be scarred for life. **

**Aguamenta: This fanfic stopped being realistic a long time ago. **

**pjoperson: WE'RE STILL GOING TO BEAT YOU!**

* * *

Movie reviews (and now even TV shows, I'm expanding my talents):

Twilight:

I killed that guy! Cedric Diggory! How is he still alive? I may need to visit Forks, Washington... But that Jacob Black. *sigh* *fans face*

Pretty Little Liars:

I think this goes to show that muggles are insane and highly obsessive.

Lion King:

RUN, SIMBA! RUN FROM THE HYENAS! DON'T FOLLOW SCAR! HE'S EVIL! YOU HEAR ME?! EVIIIIIILLLL!

* * *

Dear Diary,

I called the movie critic place to get an interview but they put me on hold.

I've been on hold for three days now.

Since the movie critic place was too awestruck of my amazing-ness I needed a job, so I now currently work in a barber shop.

My hair is fabulous so it's only natural for me to get a job at a barber shop.

I have plenty of wigs too, a Taylor Swift, Hannah Montana, Willow Smith, an Albus Dumbledore full costume: wig and beard included limited edition (I hate the old hag but he is quite trendy), and recently, an afro.

There's been an accident involving my super amazing barber skills, I wasn't my fault at all, I told the guy not to move his head.

And you know what he did? HE BLOODY MOVED HIS HEAD.

So may have accidentally cut his ear off.

I'm sure he's FINE, who needs ears anyway?

Useless, those ears.

Oh yesterday Ethel and I went shopping!

We went to 'Handbag Hitlers' and 'Weapons of the elderly Inc.'.

She said she needed to try them out on someone and since she was going to be hitting me very often I was the perfect person to test them out on.

I have to say, she has very good taste in hang bags, and great aim and arm strength, you should have seen how far she threw that thing!

She gave me a McDonald's coupon for a free ice cream cone for exchange for letting her molest me!

So worth it.

-Voldemort


	7. IMPOSTOR!

**Sorry for the late update! I've been procrastinating this for a long time, but it's hard for me to get inspiration because I just moved recently and everyone here is so NORMAL.**

**It's honestly a bit creepy. Where are all the crazy people?**

**I love replying your and hearing your suggestions! Anyone got any movie review suggestions? Do you think we ought to bring Voldie home to V.O.G and Jane soon?**

**Jez Redfern the huntress: Ah, the library days. And you are a horrible inventor, you made that plane out of paper and half an hour before it was due. It looked like it got stomped on repeatedly.**

**Tambrathegreat: Yes, there is currently a 30 % off sale. I suggest getting the limited edition 'Painful POW' in fuchsia.**

**Ellieisawesome: Glad to be of help. :)**

**pjoperson: Sigh, Van Gogh left that barber shop with one less ear and a funky new hairstyle.**

**Aguamenta: He is quite the drama queen.**

**littlegoldengirl: Your suggestions are hilarious, as always.**

* * *

Movies Reviews (still on hold...)

The Muppets: What did the big dragon say to the mouse? Give up. Nothing! Dragons can't talk! Wocka! Wocka! Wocka! Oh Ozzie the bear, you hilarious clown.

Hungers Games: Ooooo that Katniss Everdeen is one tough bitch! Imagine 'The bald weirdo on fire' That could be my new stage name! That is, when Jane finds me. Is she even looking? But that Effie Trinket's hairstyle sure is fabulous, that should be my new look!

* * *

Dear Diary,

Do you know that feeling when you walk out of a movie theatre when you've just watched an action movie?

You feel like you can do anything! I watched The Avengers and strutted out of that theatre feeling totally epic.

I was all 'BOOM! BAM! POW! YEAH, DIE LOKI, DIE! YOU CAN'T GET THIS FABULOUS-NESS!'

I then continued to leap from shelf to shelf at the barber shop, shooting customers with my power rangers plastic laser gun.

I blew them over with the 'Extra Powerful Blowdryer 5000', and whipped scissors at them, jumping from wall to wall with my super spidey powers.

I ended up knocking over the entire supply of shampoos and conditions, my boss got pissed and forced my to re-stack them.

I may have stolen some and taken them home.

Oh and I went to Disneyland!

The lines were so long, but I hulk smashed my way through those.

Then some spaz called security and they tried to take me away!

But with my super awesome reflexes from working out twice I year I slipped way screaming 'YOU'LL NEVER GET THIS SEXY BEAST SUCKERS! BWHAHAHA!'

I also discovered some shocking news, this information may devastate you, crush your dreams, haunt your nightmares, and cause you to slam your head against the computer screaming 'MHSVJIRGJPDF!'

It started when I wanted to get an autograph from Mickey Mouse, I squeezed him into such a tight

hug that his head fell off to reveal A PERSON! THERE WAS A HUMAN BEING INSIDE MICKEY MOUSE! SOMEONE IS PRETENDING TO BE MICKEY MOUSE!

Mickey will be so upset to hear that someone's been impersonating him, poor lad.

I'm never going back to Disneyland again, it's full of fakes and impostors.

-Voldemort


	8. Eating someone's face is not nice

**Okay** **I'****m now updating about two times a week. Oh and I'm obsessed with Doctor Who now so if any Doctor Who fans are reading this, please review so we can like, fan girl and stuff.**

**Tambrathegreat: Voldie is too good for those Disney princesses.**

**Potterlunar: I've never seen 'Nightmare before Christmas'.**

**DramioneForever123: Gah, I feel so depressed right now. I've never seen How I Met Your Mother Either. And before anyone asks, nope, I haven't seen Big Bang Theory either.**

**pjoperson: I hate the fact that in the movie Percy, Annabeth, and Grover are so OLD.**

**MapleTreeway: Sigh, haven't seen dark night rises either**.

* * *

Movie Reviews:

Percy Jackson and the lightning theif: GO PERCY! STAB LUKE WITH YOUR GIANT FORK! THAT'LL SHOW HIM!

Brave: GINGERS! Oh wonderful, wonderful gingers. That's what this movies about. It's a sign that one day, gingers shall rule the world with their epic ginger-ness!

* * *

Dear Diary,

OMG! I'm SO excited for One Directions new album! I've already pre-ordered eleven copies, you know, in case one gets lost in the post (you can never trust those post people). And ordered the yearbook. My bedroom in my flat is covered with 1D posters and I have both their books memorized. Their new album is called 'Take me home'.

Oh I'll take you home alright.

Spoiler: Their new album will contain the V.O.G song 'Death to thee Potter'

They haven't replied yet but I'm just certain it'll be on the album.

Oh look, they've fleed the country again.

I don't know why they keep doing that.

When they come over to my flat on February 30th (as they promised in their quick reply sent by Scotland yard) I must show them the 1D hairstyle I've created.

It's a mixture between Zayn, Louis, Harry, Niall, and Liam's hairstyles.

Strange, I can't seem to find February 30th on the calendar.

Ethel must have hidden it somewhere.

That reminds of something very disturbing.

I missed V.O.G so much that I decided to start a band who Ethel and Jim (who's currently staying with Ethel to hide from the police) called 'Voldies, Baldies, and Handbags' when I walked in on Ethel and Jim EATING EACH OTHERS FACES!

That's not nice at all! I don't care how much you hate someone, eating their face is just cruel.

I made them apologize to each other immediately.

Oh quick job update: I was fired from the barber shop because I kept cutting off peoples ears (it was just seven, I've done worse) so now I'm a... TEACHER!

I'm teaching fourth grade at Oak Creek and I started yesterday.

We spend the whole day making 'DIE,POTTER,DIE!' posters!

Though there was that part Penny wouldn't let me use her crayons so I pushed her off the playground during recess.

Shhhhh, nobody knows it's me who did it, I blamed it on Alexi.

Oh and I'm currently reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

It's such an interesting book, I should read it to my class!

-Voldemort


	9. Drops of Love

**Ello! I am introducing a new segment (lets call it a segment) called 'Drops of Love' It's Voldemort's One Direction fanfiction, it has every cliche in the book and is written extremely badly. Tell me what you think of it. This is a short one, but I promise the next one will be longer. **

**pjoperson: I'd hardly count a few points as 'creaming'. **

**Aguamenta: I'll try my best even though I've never seen Star Wars. **

**Jez Redfern the Huntress: It's refreshing. **

**tambrathegreat: I'm more Robert Downey Jr. **

* * *

Movie Reviews:

Star Wars:

OMG! Darth Vader is Luke's father?! I was so not excepting that. These are not the droids you're looking for.

Toy Story 3:

Oh Losto you evil, evil bear. Although I was excepting Andy to just snatch his toys back from the little girl.

* * *

Dear Diary,

IT'S OUT! IT'S OUT! IT'S OUT!

One Direction said they had a 'big announcement'. I thought the big announcement was that Louis and Harry were coming out, eloping in Alaska, and revealing that they had a love child hidden in the Alps. It was either that or that the band was breaking up. Turns out it was just a new song.

It's extremely catchy.

Although I think Ethel doesn't like the fact that I sing it at 4:00 in the morning.

Pshhhh, you can't tell me what to do, FACE EATER!

I've been wearing masks around her, you never know, she could suddenly decide to maul me and eat my face too!

Poor Jim, he's already been a victim of the vicious face eating 'Ethel'.

If that's her real name.

If you remember, I said I was going to write a One Direction fanfiction, well I'm writing it! It's called 'Drops of Love'

I couldn't chose which band member to write about so I'm writing all of them together. His name is going to be Zniallharrylouliam. He has half black half blonde curly hair, one brown eye, one blue eye, and he's Irish. Oh it's the epic love story of Zniallharrylouliam and Voldia.

Here's a sneak peek:

'_The minute Zniallharrylouliam saw her; he was taken by her beauty, she was the most beautiful creature his blue and brown eyes had ever seen. Her flawless pale skin, her golden blonde hair that looked like a wig but probably wasn't, and her rich emerald green eyes. She didn't have a nose, but Zniallharrylouliam thought that made her even more beautiful. He mustered up his courage and ran his hand through his half blonde half black curly hair. _

_He strutted over to the girl of his dreams, got down on one knee, and pulled out a gigantic 42.11 carat diamond ring. "I love you so very much." He spoke with passion. "Will you give me the honor of marrying you even though you are way too good for me?" Suddenly, an orchestra starting playing very dramatic music, and rose petals fell from the sky. _

"_Oh random stranger I don't know." Voldia swooned. "I was not excepting this, but of course I will! Even though I am way too good for you." _

"_What is your name, fair maiden?" _

"_It_ _is Voldia, good sir." _

_Zniallharrylouliam and Voldia then jumped on a white horse and rode off into the sunset, totally and utterly in love." _

It's good, isn't it?

-Voldemort


	10. The Deathly Toasters

** Oh exciting news in my boring life. I'M GOING TO MEET RICK RIORDAN AT A BOOK SIGNING FOR MARK OF ATHENA! I'M SO EXCITED! *fangirl* He's a genius, really he is. ****I'm going with my real life bestie Jez Redfern the Huntress!** Voldie hasn't had a good rant for a while so the topic of this rant is, well, you'll see. 

**Pjoperson: Yes, yes, it does. **

**RavenclaWriter: Ah, sorry bout that. Sometimes I have no idea how to reply to reviews, especially to the guest ones because I'm not even sure if you'll read the reply, but I do read every single review. **

**Roxie13: Oh those silly voices. I hear them too! **

**Jez Redfern the Huntress: I'M SO EXCITED! And why does everyone assume your name is Jez?**

**I was seriously not kidding when I said this would have every cliche in the book….. Anyone have any good cliché suggestions?**

* * *

**Drops of Love *WARNING: THIS IS A SAPPY CLICHÉ ROMANCE WRITTEN BY VOLDEMORT. THEREFORE YOU MAY DIE FROM HORRIBLE WRITING* **

_"Hey Zniallharrylouliam I-" Voldia froze when she saw what was happening in the room. _

_It was her best friend Jimella and _

_Zniallharrylouliam kissing passionately. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Voldia screeched. They stopped kissing immediately. "Oh Voldia-" Zniallharrylouliam stammered. "How could you?!" Voldia sobbed "I thought you loved me! But here you are swapping spit with some whore!" _

_"Who you calling whore, muchacha?" Jimella snapped (Did I mention Jim is slightly Spanish in this?) _

_"YOU, CHICA." _

_"OH IT IS ON." _

_"DO NOT MAKE ME GET FEISTY."_

_"SOMEBODY HOLD MY PURSE." _

_"YOU BITCH!" Voldia screamed, lunging at Jimella. _

_Then, another Zniallharrylouliam entered the room. _

_"What?" Jimella gasped. _

_"What's going on here?" One Zniallharrylouliam demanded. _

_Another Zniallharrylouliam snickered. "A long time no see...brother." _

_"You!" Zniallharrylouliam said. "I thought you died in a tragic accident of sorts!" _

_"What is going on?!" Voldia shouted. _

_"This," Zniallharrylouliam said gravely "is my long lost evil twin brother Liamlouharryniallz."_

_Voldia and Jimella gasped. _

_"Wait a minute," mused Voldia, studying Jimella face. "This isn't the real Jimella it's-"_

_She then pulled off Jimella face, which was acutally a mask! Behind the mask was...another Voldia! _

_"It's my long lost evil twin sister!" Voldia exclaimed. "Voldette!" _

_Zniallharrylouliam and Liamlouharryniallz gasped..._

* * *

Dear Diary,

If there's one thing I hate, it's useless things.

Like treadmills! Why would you pay to run on an object?

I run on things for free! I run on my kitchen counter, I run on my table at restaurants, and do not get me started on the things I ran on naked with Jim at the mental hospital.

And there are plenty of places to run outside!

So really, these muggles are paying to run.

Treadmills are also extremely dangerous. Do you know how many people have died from treadmill accidents? So not only is this lethal weapon useless, but also deathly. You know what else is deathly? Toasters. Not only do they scare the bugizzles out of you when they spontaneously decide to pop out of the toaster, but do you know how many people have died in toaster related accidents? It depends which website you check, but around 700 each year! Do people not understand the danger of toasters?!

Beware of the toasters!

Oh and stay in school. Also eat your vegetables. And don't do drugs. They're bad for you.

That reminds me. Yesterday, I went grocery shopping! You can only eat take-out for so long.

I made a combination of all my favorite foods. So it was a funnel cake, with fish fingers and custard, eleven scoops of chocolate ice cream, toppled high with marshmallows, drenched with Nutella, and sprinkled with icing sugar.

Now while I was buying these things (note that I am strictly avoiding toasters) I decide, why not save lives?

So I set the entire stack of toasters on fire with a blowtorch I found on aisle 7.

But these muggles don't appreciate the fact that I am saving their lives so they went all berserk, running and screaming 'FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!'

...Maybe that's how I should kill Potter! I'll chuck toasters at him!

(This diary entry was brought to you by Red Heads: Do we even need any other hair colors?)

-Voldemort


	11. No one messes with Jimella

**Chapter 11: Introducing The Other Woman **

**I'm so sorry I haven't updated. I've been so busy though, my teachers are trying to drown me with homework and I went to meet Rick Riordan. So here's an extra-long chapter. Also, I'll be introducing 'Mad Puppy' in Drops of Love, who is the female version of Mad Dog, the badass hairdresser, for those who don't remember. Please review! **

**potterlunar: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! **

**pjoperson: One time I almost my microwave on fire with a jar of nutella **

**Aguamenta: Now I can never erase that image from my mind **

**tambrathegreat: What websites are you checking? **

**RavenclaWriteRule: Welcome to fanfiction :) **

* * *

_Drops of Love: _

"_Anyways, so I was like 'Girl, you better give me that donut.' and she was all 'Uh no way.' Oh did she regret making that decision and- Voldia? Are you even listening to me?" Jimella asked her best friendwho was currently staring at who just entered the coffee shop._

_She had long golden blonde hair, flowing past her shoulders, and clear big blue eyes. She was tall, leggy, busty, and voluptuous. She was giggling and talking to another girl._

_Jimella made a face. "Oh that's Evil Ethel. She's the most popular girl in our grade. And you see over there?"_

_Jimella pointed to the other girl. "That's Mad Puppy, her sidekick." _

"_Isn't Evil Ethel Zniallharrylouliam ex-girlfriend?" Voldia asked. _

_Jimella nodded. "Yep. You stay away from her, Voldia. She's one crazy bitch." _

_Too late. Evil Ethel was already coming toward them, her six inch heels clicking on the floor. "You," Evil Ethel spat at Voldia. "You stole_ _Zniallharrylouliam away from me. Well too bad for you, he's MINE." _

_Jimella glared at Evil Ethel. "Acutally, Zniallharrylouliam is now Voldia's boyfriend." _

_Evil Ethel glanced at Jimella and smirked. "Why if it isn't Miss Jimella, the crazy Spanish chick." _

"_You're the one that stole my donut!" Mad Puppy cried. _

"_Listen here Voldia," Evil Ethel said in a deathly whisper. "You better stay away from Zniallharrylouliam or you'll regret it." She turned around to Jimella. "As for you, stay out of my way." _

_Voldia could see Jimella's face getting redder and redder. Then BAM! Evil Ethel and Mad Puppy screamed. Even Voldia looked away at the horrifying sight. _

"_PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!" Evil Ethel Scremed. _

_Jimella smirked smugly. "That's right bitches, nobody messes with Jimella."_

* * *

Dear Diary,

I'm sick. It's horrible, honestly. I'm missing the huge sale at Handbag Hitler's ™ and Strippers R Us ™! Jim and Ethel went without me!

So I was forced to go to a Doctor. Dr. Roadkill told me to just stay in bed! Well I guess it gives me more time to work on Drops of Love. But Dr. Roadkill had this chart full of weird phobias. I swear I did not make these phobias up, there real. Like:

Agyrophobia – Fear of crossing the road

Chaetophobia – Fear of hair

Gynophobia –Fear of women.

Halitophobia –Fear of bad breath

Ipovlopsychophobia –Fear of having one's photograph taken (Pfffft, defiantly not me, the camera LOVES me)

Vestiophobia –Fear of clothing (I wonder if this is what Jim has…)

Syngenesophobia –fear of relatives

Levophobia- Fear of things to the left side of the body

Omphalophobia –Fear of bellybuttons

Gnomophobia - fear of garden Gnomes

Ophthalmophobia –Fear of being stared at

Phobophobia – fear of having a phobia

Tetraphobia –Fear of the number 4 (I think it's an Asian thing….)

Ephebiphobia- Fear of teenagers

Francophobia- Fear of France or French culture

Kathisophobia- Fear of sitting down.

Metrophobia- Fear of poetry.

Peladophobia- Fear of bald people (I happen to find this very offensive)

Pentheraphobia- Fear of mother-in-law

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedal iophobia – Fear of long words

Anatidaephobia- Fear of being watched by ducks

Pogonophobia- Fear of beards

Anyways, in my ill state, I managed to limp to the library (barely alive, of course). But there are these evil old ladies there (I think their called librarians or something like that) and they kept shushing me!

How was I supposed to know that you're not supposed start a flashmob of 'Gangman Style' at the library? Or belt out the Titanic theme song and start dancing on the desks? These 'librarians' cannot judge me as I read the epic Nicholas Sparks novel!

I am a free spirit!

Although despite the evil old ladies, I learned many interesting things at the library.

For instance, did you know jello can kill you?

Really, if you were trapped in a block of jello (preferably the red kind), the mass of the jello would be pulling you down, making it very difficult to move, you would suffocate to death!

If I dropped Potter in a pit of jello he would die instantly!

-Voldemort


	12. Jane's boyfriend

**For those who haven't seen it yet, I edited Confessions of a bald weirdo a lot and added a brand new chapter so you might want to go re-read that. I think I'm only going to continue this for 1 more chapter, no Drops of Love this chapter but it will surely be in the next one, anyone up for a threequel? **

**SquishyWatermelon: YOU SHOULD! You would play the part perfectly. **

**pjoperson: Red, the jello is red.**

**tambrathegreat: I had Appendicitis too! My stomach felt like it was getting punched repeatedly. I'm surprised people don't know about the dangers of jello. Don't they know their life's at risk? **

**potterlunar: Gah, never mind. **

**Ravenclawriterules: What do you think would happen if Jim and Ethel met Jane and the rest of V.O.G?**

* * *

Dear Diary,

I'm home! I finally found my way back after 8 hours of walking, asking hobos for directions, sitting next to hippies and foreigners on subways (do you know what 'efterbliven pervers' means?), and eating strangely colored chicken nuggets that I bought off of shady looking guys in dark alleyways!

It was quite an exciting adventure.

Anyways, when I arrived at the Malfoy Manor (where I currently reside, BUNKING WITH LUCIUS MY HOMIE!) I found Jane chomping on Oreos while watching 'America's next top model' on the muggle telly thing!

Was she even looking for me?

I went missing! Wand-less, magic-less, and having to live with muggles. I was starving, cold, and had to deal with evil old ladies with lethal hand bags! Oh the pain! But that okay, because somehow I managed to survive through it, because I'm totally awesome.

Plus, she wasn't even eating the Oreos properly! What kind of person just eats them? You're supposed to twist it open, lick off the cream, and _then _eat the cookie! What is wrong with her?

And, there was this scary looking woman on 'America's next top model' that kept on screaming hurtful things at the models.

She was quite frightening.

She also did this weird thing with her eyes. Jane says it's called a 'smize' , I was trying it out at the supermarket but the cashier screamed, ran away from me, and then called the police.

I guess my beauty was too much for her.

SUPERMARKET CAN'T HANDLE ME.

Big update in Jane's life: she has a boyfriend now!

Weird I know. He's names Brad, I've only met him once but he's a real jerk. Who cares if you sponsor a child in Africa? Help save injured animals? Or have met the prime minister?

I honestly don't know what Jane sees in him.

As for the supermarket thing, I was shopping for ingredients for Jane and Brad's 'romantic dinner', but Jane totally made me, she threaten to rip all my One Direction posters!

Some clerk asked me if I needed help finding the pasta noodles (don't know what made him think that). Excuse me? REAL men don't need help to find pasta noodles. REAL men find their own pasta noodles.

I bet Brad can't find pasta noodles on his own.

See, I'm a person that doesn't believe in second chances. Jane does of course, she's always disagreeing with me. But what is she found Brad cheating on her? What would she do? What is Brad was cheating on her with Peter Pettigrew?

She finds them making out ON HER BIRTHDAY! She then slaps Peter and Brad, runs out crying, it's raining, Brad follows her out and is all 'NO! JANE! I LURVE YOU! I WANT YOU BACK! WANT YOU BACK!' and then...

This is the part where they either kiss passionately or Jane kicks him where it hurts.

WHERE'S THE SECOND CHANCE NOW, HUH?! WHERE?! IT'S GONE! IT'S WITH PETER THE OTHER WOMAN!

If I were Jane, I'd keep an eye on Peter.

-Voldemort


	13. The last one, for now

**How long has it been since I updated? A very, very long time. I am so sorry, I try to write during French class but my French teachers doesn't seem to like that very much. My teachers are currently trying to murder me with homework. You know what, I don't need school! I'm going ti the 'indie dream' thing where I travel the world living off my non-existent talents. I mean, I can fit an entire doughnut in my mouth, that's a talent right? Oh and, there is defiantly going to be a threequel, I'm probably going to post it sometime during December. Spoiler, Voldemort's going to be trying sports.**

**RavenclaWriteRules: The animal guy is SO going to be in the threequel**

**BrokenRainbowsShatteredDream s: We have been blessed we the gift of the great oreo, shame people abuse them by eating them normally. **

**Aguamenta: Poor Brad, he's the newbie in the messed up world of Voldemort. **

**tambrathegreat: Oh the poem, er, that actually has to do with Voldemort...**

**pjoperson: This has nothing to do with your review but are you going to watch The Sea of Monsters movie? I'm not a big fan of the movies but LOgan Lerman is kinda hot. Did you read Mark of Athena? **

* * *

_**Drops of Love **  
_

_Voldia and Jimella crept around the dark forest, with only the full moon to light the way and the twinkling stars. It was quiet except for the patter of footsteps, and Jimella's constant complaining. _

_"Are we theere yet, Voldia?" Jimella whined. "You promised me we'd stop for tacos! Do you even know where we're going?" __"I already told you Jimella, we're following Zniallharrylouliam! He's been going off somewhere for the past few weeks now..." _

_Jimella's eyes widened. "You don't think he's cheating on you with that cow Ethel do you?"  
_

_Voldia had no time to reply as she had heard a loud slurping noise and swiftly grabbed Ethel, both crouching down behind a thick tree. "What do you think it is?" Jimella whispered loudly, which really wasn't helping their situation. __ Voldia shushed her, then proceeding to peek her head out of the tree. Voldia gasped. It was undoubtedly Zniallharrylouliam, _

_Voldia could recognize that half curly, half black hair anywhere. He was sitting on the dirt floor of the forest, a dead deer in his lap, and his fangs pierced through the deer's neck, drinking it's blood... _

_"Zniallharrylouliam?!" Voldia exclaimed_

_Zniallharrylouliam's head shot up, his blue and brown eye filled with horror. _

_Jimella also peeked out of the tree. "Oh my gawd, muchacha! Your boyfriend's a vampire!" _

_**To be continued...**_

* * *

Dear Diary,

OMG. OMG. OMG. ONE DIRECTION'S NEW ALBUM TAKE ME HOME IS OUT!

I'm not really sure how V.O.G's new song wasn't on the album, I mean we've sent it to them about 3456 times.

And then I saw online somewhere that they were going to be in New Zeland so I hacked into the New Zeland Airport Security system for the security cameras to check if they were listening to the songs I sent them, they weren't.

Speaking of boy bands, V.O.G is doing well. Except that BRAD HAS JOINED THE BAND!

This screws up the balance completely! He's on guitar, I'm on guitar! We can't both be on guitar! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. NEITHER CAN LIVE WHILE THE OTHER what's his role? Is he the smart one? The sensible one! URRRGGGGHHH!

And he's got us doing things like choreography, costumes, being organized.

That bitch.

**Ways to kill Brad, or at least critically injure him so he can never play guitar again**

**1. Peter can chop his arms off while he's asleep **

**2. We shall roll his entire body in duct tape, cover him in Nutella (because everyone knows animals are attracted to Nutella), and ship him to Antarctica! LET THE PENGUINS GET HIM! WADDLE, PENGUINS, WADDLE! **

**3. Use my awesome ninja skills to destroy him **

**4. Have Jim sit on him until he dies **

**5. Have Ethel chuck her hand bags at him at lighting speed **

**6. Stomp on his face with spiked boots **

**7. Deprive him of the chocolaty goodness of Nutella for the rest of his life**

The last's one's cruel, I know.

This will be my last Diary entry for a while, actually. Because I am sending this Diary to One Direction. They should know all about their biggest fan of course, the one who has all their birth certificates framed on his bedroom wall.

-Voldemort


End file.
